When life gives you lemons, make peach pie
It was two years ago this fall that my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. It wasn’t a surprise to those close to her. The signs had been there for a number of years previous.
For me, the change that was most significant was my mom’s decreasing interest in cooking. She had always been one to read through magazines and the newspaper, looking for those recipes that she wanted to experiment with and share with others. I was always happy to be a guinea pig for her and I truly loved my mom’s cooking. She is one of those people that has a knack for knowing what flavours go together. When my mom was no longer trying new recipes and was resorting to pre-prepared meals, I knew something was up.
The other thing that hinted to me that my mom’s mental capacity was changing was also related to cooking. My mom knew everyone’s favourite food and would do her best to cater to each family member’s preferences. She knew who liked green beans, who didn’t like fish; who would try new things and who preferred meat and potatoes. And she knew that my favourite pie was peach pie, made from fresh peaches. Once a year, when Canadian grown peaches made it to the supermarket, I knew I could count on my mom baking that one peach pie for me (of course I did have to share!).
Then about three years ago, the peaches were in the store and I was wondering out loud to my mom when she was going to make my pie. Without any apology or explanation, she simply said she wasn’t going to make one. To say I was devastated may seem like an overreaction, but I was. It wasn’t so much about not getting the pie. It was much more about what my mom’s cooking and baking meant to me. This was the way that I had experienced my mom’s expression of love. My mom didn’t say “I love you” with words. She said it by being so excited to have me taste test her new creation and by making that once-a-year pie. I felt a little like my mom was forgetting how to love me.
I have to say that I have been quite resentful that my mom never warned me when she last served me peach pie, that it would be the last one I would ever have made by her. If I’d have known, I wonder how much more I would have savoured it; remembered it; appreciated it. I tried for the last two peach seasons to jog my mom’s memory so that she could once again make me that pie. If I could have just had one more pie, it would have been the best pie I ever had.
So it’s been awhile since I’ve had peach pie. I’ve been convinced that no other pie could ever be as good as that last pie my mom never made. I knew no other pie could ever contain enough love to sustain me through my mom’s deteriorating memory and decreased attachment to me and the rest of her family.
But, this fall, when the peaches arrived in the produce department, I stopped. I picked one up and gave it a good smell. I decided I could make my own peach pie, damn it. I told my mom I had bought peaches and tried to get any recollection out of her that I could about how she prepared the pie but I got nothing. So, to the internet I went and discovered a recipe worth trying. The tables were turned and now my mom (and dad) were the guinea pigs for my creation. In my first mouthful, I knew it wasn’t right. It had the wrong texture and there was too much cinnamon but my parents loved it and had no tips to make it better. Back to the internet I went and found another recipe. This time I read it to my mom. As I read the ingredient list she said “Yeah, my pie had tapioca!” When I noted there was no cinnamon in this recipe, she replied “I never put cinnamon in my peach pie”.
So back to the kitchen I went. Today, I served my mom (and dad) a peach pie that tasted just like my mom’s. And even though the recipe didn’t call for it, I tried to include enough love in it to sustain me to the end. Thanks Mom, for teaching me that giving love is equally, if not more comforting than receiving love.
Are you spending enough time with your gal pals?
I just read about a course that is taught at Stanford University that discusses the mind/body connection and its relationship to stress and disease. The head of psychiatry at Stanford shared that one of the best things that a man can do for his health is to be married to a woman. On the other hand, for a woman, one of the best things she can do for her health is to nurture her relationships with her girlfriends. Initially the students thought he was joking, but he was serious.
Women connect with each other in a unique way, providing the support needed to help deal with stress and difficult life experiences. Quality “girlfriend time” helps us to create more serotonin – a chemical produced by the brain that helps combat depression and can create a general feeling of well being. Women share feelings whereas men often form relationships around activities.
As women, we are wired to share from our souls and evidently that is very good for our health. Research says that expressing feelings and thoughts with others is just as important to our general health as jogging or working out at a gym.
We tend to think that we’re only “exercising” when we’re doing something physical with our bodies, and when we are hanging out with friends, we are wasting our time and should be more productively engaged. This isn’t true. In fact, this head of psychiatry said that failure to create and maintain quality personal relationships with other humans is as dangerous to our physical health as smoking!
So, every time you hang out with a gal pal, give yourself credit for doing something good for your health! Let’s celebrate our friendship with our girlfriends and make sure we keep taking the time to connect.
The opportunities that are offered by the Happy Monkey Club are truly good for your health. That’s why I’m so proud to have partnered Explore Life Coaching with this great network of positive women.
Do you do, because you can?
It’s hard to believe that this beautiful summer is continuing into September. I don’t think I can remember a summer that has had such warm temperatures consistently without rain. And, the absolute icing on the cake has been the lack of mosquitoes. To be outside, any time of day or night, in the city or in natural areas, without the need for insect repellent and the constant buzz around the eyes and ears really is something to truly appreciate. 
I have done my best to take as many opportunities as possible to be outside. Last week, I was packing up my car with tent and kayak (one of many nature outings this summer) when my neighbour came over to observe my actions. Her comment was “you sure do spend a lot of time away from home”. Without thought or premeditation, my response was “I do because I can.”
At that moment, it seemed like a simply retort, but the phrase “I do because I can” really sat with me for the next three days when I was on my camping trip. I starting thinking about all the things I may not do because I shouldn’t, even though I can.
The most obvious example of this was the process I went through for this very camping trip, which almost didn’t happen. I had been considering these dates to get away to my favourite camping site in Manitoba at Black Lake for much of the summer. But as the date drew nearly, I was adding up all the days I had already been away and asking myself many questions. Do I
deserve another mini-vacation? What will people think of me spending so much time at play? Should I be staying home to catch up on house chores that I haven’t yet gotten to this summer? Should I be staying home with my pets? I’m already going away for Labour Day; is this too much? Will I feel guilty being away from my partner (again) who is at a have-to-go job? Should I spend money on this or is something else more important? It all pointed to “I should not!”
I really had to work hard to give myself permission to go and do something that I knew would nourish my spirit. I could go because I had nothing scheduled. I could go because the total cost was easily affordable. I could go because I could take my dog with me and she would love it. I could go because my partner always encourages me to do the things I love to do without
guilt. I could go because it totally fit with my lifestyle and my choices…I didn’t need to worry about others’ opinions about how I spend my time. So, I did because I could.
This scenario did get me thinking about all the things I, and I assume other people, have not done simply because they shouldn’t, rather than because they couldn’t. There are enough restrictions and actual barriers that truly prevent a person from doing some of the things that they would like to do, that self imposing restrictions really seem silly. There rarely is enough time, money, energy, motivation, and support, all existing at the same moment, so when it does happen, we should all take advantage of it. Any chance we get to do things, is a golden opportunity to connect with ourselves. I want to be clear that I’m talking about “doing” and not “consuming”. This isn’t about buying that new outfit or getting the house redecorated. It’s singing. It’s dancing. It’s creating art. It’s riding a bike. It’s writing. It’s cooking. It’s playing in nature. It’s you being you instead of being who you are supposed to be.
Do you do, because you can?
Living Vertically (literally)
My last blog article, Living Vertically in a Horizontal World, encouraged folks to pay attention to what’s in their own backyard and realize they don’t have to always be looking so far down the road to be fulfilled.
Well, in the backyard of Winnipeg, in Steinbach, Manitoba, there are lots of people living vertically. Out of a little airplane hanger, two great opportunities to go vertical exist. Adventure at Altitude offers various hang gliding options and Adventure Skydiving offers solo and tandem skydiving.
Last Sunday, I took a group of six women out to Steinbach to do ultra light hang gliding. Now the initial idea of hang gliding may be a little scary; running off a cliff and launching yourself into the air on your own, to control a huge set of wings as you hang on to only a bar. As you can see from the short video in the link here, it is nothing like this. First of all, Steinbach has no cliffs. And most importantly, the flight is piloted by an experienced flyer. You actually sit with the pilot who gets you in the air, floats you around, riding the thermals, and provides you with whatever level of thrill you request. 
The best part of the day for me, as the adventure organizer (and chef for the day) was seeing all the flyers’ faces as they ended their flight. Whether it was a ride full of aerobatics and death spirals or a scenic flight over the area, everyone was excited and quite proud of themselves for taking the risk.
The risk wasn’t just about flying in the sky 2000 ft in the air. For a couple of the women, the risk was about signing up for an event as a solo participant, not knowing anyone in the group. Another thing that women in particular risk when doing something “fun” or “adventurous”, is to be perceived as self-indulgent or irresponsible. To spend $175 on a day of adventure is sometimes difficult to justify.
But not to this amazing group of women who clearly know the value of living life fully. The list of adventures is long for these gals; skydiving, bungy jumping, sea kayaking, running the Boston Marathon, solo camping.
I so appreciate being a part of empowering women to step out of their comfort zone and push their boundaries. It’s not all about physical challenges. Simply doing something for the first time, putting oneself up for judgement, or going deeper into spirituality, is risky.
For those of you who missed out on the hang gliding, have been reassured by seeing the video, or just think it’s the right time, there’s still lots of summer (and fall) left to arrange for another flying day. All it takes is a group of five who can make the same day work. Let me know if you’re interested.
Living Vertically in a Horizontal World
I had a great vacation at the beginning of the summer, doing a road trip with a friend to Utah. It is an area that I have travelled to many times over the last twenty years. I am in love with the red rock, the blue sky, and the contrast between the two. For some reason, this trip (my seventh) was different and somehow more fulfilling. It took me a while to figure out the difference and now I think I know.
In each of my previous road trips, the focus was on seeing and doing as much as possible. It’s a long drive of twenty-four hours to get to the area, so my thinking had been to fit it all in. Mountain biking, hiking, horseback riding, rafting, sight-seeing, museums, souvenir shopping, historical sites, cultural experiences, concerts, gambling in Vegas. It ended up that I never stayed in one place for more than three nights. It was invigorating, exciting, and “productive”. I couldn’t get enough and wanted more.
On this most recent trip, we arrived in Moab, Utah, and stayed in Moab for our entire time down there, which was a very different experience. Although it was really only ten days in the same place, it seemed like I got to know the place with some depth and I didn’t feel the pressure to have to move on. Instead of looking forward all the time and wondering what was around the next corner, I was in one place long enough to look up at the sandstone towers, the stars, and the trees and look down at the wildflowers, insects, and the patterns in the rock.
What I figured out about this particular road trip was that I was able to be vertical in a horizontal world.
What do I mean by a horizontal world? From my perspective, we live in a time that almost every possibility is available to us. We can travel thousands of miles from our home to experience other cultures and environments. We can change jobs several times throughout our employment years (and most of us do). We can eat exotic foods that come to us from foreign climates. We can seek information on any topic with a quick Google search and we have millions of answers from millions of people. We have access to an endless supply of self-help resources, all in the pursuit of an answer from someone else to tell us how to find happiness and fulfillment. We can have hundreds of friends on Facebook from every corner of the world. Everything in the horizontal world exists in the “out there” and we have to constantly be moving forward in order to make contact.
To live horizontally means living in a way that connects us to external objects and desires. It is accomplishing a goal, checking things off the bucket list, completing “to do list” tasks. The benefit of living horizontally is that we achieve the things in life that we may desire.
But, sometimes when we just live horizontally, we can begin to feel that there is something missing, even after we achieve all of our goals. So much is pulling our energy in a horizontal direction, spreading our time and focus out in a thin layer across a vast area, that we become disconnected to what is in our immediate area; to that which is present and true. It’s easy to get into a pattern of constant motion trying to cover as much ground as possible (both literally and figuratively). It may seem like there is just never enough.
Information and expectations from “out there” tend to influence how we make decisions based on the collective values, beliefs, and attitudes of society. So, instead of making conscious choices based on our own personal values, beliefs, and attitudes, we act unconsciously, reaching towards someone else’s ideals that may have nothing to do with our own personal needs.
Living vertically really means becoming centred, having a strong base, setting roots, and getting to know something in depth. It’s about digging deep for hidden treasures of knowledge and discovery and looking up in gratitude and
appreciation of what we have in the here and now. Living vertically is connecting to our spirit, uncovering our passions, establishing our values, and creating a vertical flow between our heart and our head. Once we embrace an attitude of living vertically, we are better equipped to respond to this horizontal world in a conscious manner that honours our true self. Making this attitude shift moves us from;
- Confused to clear
- Imbalanced to balanced
- Stressed to calm
- Fearful to adventurous
- Bored to curious
- Disempowered to empowered
Some great exercises in living vertically are;
- Walking very slowly in nature
- Riding a bike on a long, smooth path, or paddling on a flat, calm lake, taking in the sights, smells, sounds, and touches
- Meditation
- Tai Chi
- Personal values clarification activities
- Being a tourist in your own town
- Gardening and feeling connected with the food you consume
- Cooking meals from scratch
- Coaching/teaching/ mentoring someone
Send me any thoughts you may have about this blog. Do you agree or disagree? What do you do vertically?